I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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