Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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