just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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