I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
