How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
