i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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