Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
