I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
