i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
