You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
