It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
