Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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