The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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