dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
is it fun? or sober?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
