Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
