do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
