I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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