Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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