saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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