ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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