i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
