One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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