Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
