Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have fence marks all over my body
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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