let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
