I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
