The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
