matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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