I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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