Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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