nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
