Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
