Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
