The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
