I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
