Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
