Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
