it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
