A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
