So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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