I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
