I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
