I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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