: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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