matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
