I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
