Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
