I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
