I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
