I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
