The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
