What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
